The Uninteresting Chronicles of a High School Student

January 17, 2010

C-POL: “Just a Theory” (UPDATE: English Translation now Available)

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — Excel Excel @ 5:02 pm

Repost of http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4701280b0100gmcy.html, which has already been deleted. It is a satirical account predicting the future of China. There are way too many phonetic exploits in here for a translation to do it justice, but I tried anyways.

Translation:


Just a Theory(2010-01-17 03:57:25)

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4701280b0100gmcy.html

Tags: Miscellaneous

2010: China launches “Internet Regulation Project”, with slogan “Three days without beating and trouble will be brewing”.

2010: China expands keyword blacklist, Chinese character “档” and English alphabet “D” disappear from the internet. dangdang.com and douban.com are forced to relocate to filthynet and lotusroot.cn respectively.

June 2010: “Protect the Children” Project takes off in China, Children’s Day is promoted to a National Holiday and government announces stringent control of all information unfavorable to the “healthy growth of children”. Shanghai Expo proposes “Exposition, Exposition, banning illicit relation is a-okay” as their new slogan, launching pornography-cleansing projects simultaneously online and offline. Since “yellow” is synonymous with “porn” in China, the government then asserts that everything yellow is to be censored, for “yellow” represents the pornographic and the feudal, contradicting communist ideals.

Elementary school students are mobilized in “cleaning marches” to eradicate everything and anything yellow on the streets.

July 2010: The Children’s Patriotism Committee observed that the stars on the Chinese flag are yellow, thus incompatible with the new legislation; proposes color change to red after research and legislation passed by the relevant ministries.

August 2010: Chinese government realizes that the flag has turned into a featureless red rectangle, scrambles to fix the error and changes the color to green as per suggestion from elementary students.

2010: As per Children’s Protection Committee representative, image review and censorship controls are tightened, adapts “highbeaming = streaking” ideology in censoring porn from the internet.

2010: Every internet forum moderator has been recruited by government as a civil servant. Freedom of speech abolished.

2010: Government announces Great Firewall 2.0; new system publicized as a consolidation of intellectual efforts of countless hired specialists from all fields. Experts congregate at a military base to work on the project; foreign media gets wind of satellite imagery and erroneously reports that China is building aircraft carriers.

January 2011: Chinese economic stimulus package allots ¥100 billion yuan to hire puppet bloggers, increasing payout to ¥1 yuan per post from ¥0.50 per post, in order to reach the goal of 100 billion pro-Communist posts on the internet by 2011. Members of the 50 Cent Party weep in joy as they hear news of the raise after enduring years of flaming.

Meanwhile, Astroturfing puppet accounts reach a 1:1 ratio with normal human beings on all major discussion boards in China.

2011: Google, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and similar sites announce to China their intention to return to China and open registration for all users.

At the same time: In the US. all above sites deny any intention of forming business relations with China.

Immediately after: Great Firewall 2.0 blocks all traces of above press release, Chinese web users have no idea that above sites are now accessible.

2011: Great Firewall hunts down all users who registered at the above sites, locks their computers and denies access to all sites aside from people.com.cn, Xinhuanet, CCTV and the Iron Blood Forums. Computer locking impossible to reverse.

2011: PC prices double, computer black market materializes.  Users find that their addresses have been blacklisted, new computers still unable to open websites aside from the above ones.

2011: Real Estate prices double; sellers must differentiate between blacklisted and non-blacklisted houses.

2011: Newspapers “Southern Metropolis” and “Southern Weekly” renamed to “Men’s Metropolis” and “Men’s Weekly”, revamped to dating and matchmaking newspapers.

At the same time, puppet bloggers and normal users reach a ratio of 9:1 on all major forums.

2011: An internet user uses Google to search the name of a city manager.

2011: Second Great Internet Purge shuts down all search engines. Websites and newspapers condemn searching for “making everyone lazy” and “severely affecting the learning process of children by reducing problem-solving and hands-on experience”. Government officials state, “we never used search engines to get to where we are now; they can’t possibly do us any good!”

2011: Pepsi purchases Baidu, redesigns it as soft drink vendor site.

2012: Sina.com exposes town official for embezzling 500 yuan, article becomes instant hit and is rated as “2012’s Best News of the Year”. Article records over 500 billion hits with many users repeatedly refreshing the page, page exceeded one million comments even after meticulous deletion, many expressing hope for a new beginning of free speech.

Online polls however, reveal a staggering vote of 9:1 stating that article “should not have been published” for destroying the balance of society and threatening to create a nationwide cultural schism.

2012: Elementary student finds image of woman on Sina . Sina is promptly shut down.

2013: All internet forums lose “register” and “post” options. Chinese Writer’s Association and China Federation of Literature take over as sole producers of content for the internet. Internet devolves from Web 3.0 to Web 0.3, browsing once again becomes “read-only”.

2013: Committee for the Healthy Growth of Children reports Sina.com for showing another picture of a woman.

2014: Mountain Dew purchases Sina.com, redesigns as official soft drink vendor.

2014: Elementary school student views porn over QQ, goes berserk and rapes tens of people in broad daylight.

2014: QQ, MSN and all instant messaging services shut down, personal blogs and microblogging services become banned. People begin to find ways to circumvent the restriction and post information on the internet, much to the Government’s horror.

2015: The entire internet is shut down, Government launches new series of “internet browsing” computers and establishes new protocol for web browsing. These computers lack keyboards and only a mouse can be attached. Government slogan revamped to “what the hell are you gonna do, if you ain’t got nothing but a mouse?”.

2016: Number of web users in China drops to 1 million, every website has been merged into one, with all web addresses redirecting to it. Content of website is synced with the content of the People’s Daily newspaper.

In the same year, the internet industry disappears, leaving 5 million workers jobless. Though the postal service’s resurgence after the abolition of E-mail created 100 thousand jobs, the remaining 4.9 million still face difficulty seeking employment.

At the same time, 1 million astroturfing bloggers lose their venue of income. The 50 Cent Party exclaims, “we worked like slaves for half of our lives and we don’t even get any retirement funds!”

2016: People’s Daily runs headline news: “Sacrificing Industry for National Unity: Worth It!

2016: Media broadcasts roundtable discussion, concludes that had the internet been allowed to exist any further the nation would have faced imminent danger of fission, promoted by foreign and internal separatists. Government is praised for timely and unyielding intervention to contain the situation.

2016: Zhou Jiugeng is released from jail and named head of the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology. Yu Qiuyu is named head of the Ministry of Culture.

2016: Past members of the 50 Cent Party are still jobless and without means of living as they possess no other skills. Tens of thousands of ex-bloggers march towards Beijing.  On Children’s Day 2016, one hundred thousand members congregated at the government complex and sat down on a hunger strike, demanding the government to provide jobs or retirement funds, and to recognize them as civil servants. The People’s Daily runs article stating that such a job had never existed, astroturfing bloggers are unable to argue back without employment contracts.

50 Cent Party Speaker expresses that the party had worked underground for years and that they were instrumental in maintaining public stability.

Government passes warrant to arrest everyone who did not leave Beijing in three days; People’s Daily criticizes 50 Cent Party for trying to use voluntary work as leverage.

2016: 50 Cent Party demonstrators continue to strike, Beijing residents fully support their starvation and proceed to monitor them to ensure no one is able to eat.

The second day, Ministry of Culture head Yu Qinyu publishes “A Tearful Appeal to the 50 Cents Party”. Party members unanimously state that the book is far too philosophical and complicated to understand.

2016: Government declares that 50 Cents Party has committed the following crimes: illegal formation of a Party, illegal processions, illegal demonstrations, violent protest against the government, violent resistance against the law, slander against the government, endangerment of public safety, disruption of social order, spitting on the floor, and so on.

Protest organizers have been arrested, but government expresses willingness to pardon others involved, giving them a second chance to reform themselves. Every member of the 50 Cents Party has been given 50 cents to relieve hunger.

2016: 50 Cent Party Crisis has been successfully averted, demonstrating the government’s excellent mediation abilities. 50 Cent Party leader says only three words during CCTV interview, “I regret it.”

2017: Unemployment soars as the collapse of the internet industry decimates the Chinese economy. Government states that manufacture has once again become the core industry of the nation, encouraging people to use all available resources to create merchandise, exporting to foreign nations with the advantage of a low price.

2017: All foreign nations band together in a coalition, passes bill banning importation from China in protest of the Chinese internet censorship policies. Chinese government condemns foreign nations, exclaims that internet censorship is their own internal affairs and foreign nations have no business interfering with it. Coalition retorts that importing goods is their own business and refuses to care.

2019: 70th anniversary of China is reached, China declares war on the entire world during anniversary parade. Nine-word telegram sent to every country, “Three days without beating and trouble will be brewing”. Country leaders scratch their heads trying to understand the message.

2020: ……

2020: Earth is destroyed. Mayan descendants reveal that a ten-year margin of error is normal.

Original post:


我只是在猜想(2010-01-17 03:57:25)

http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4701280b0100gmcy.html

标签:杂谈

2010年       中国开展互联网整治活动,活动口号为“三天不打,上房揭瓦”。

2010年       相关部门扩大屏蔽词词库,汉字“档”和英文字母“D”在大陆消失。当当网和豆瓣网被迫改名为肮肮网和藕瓣网。

2010年6月    政府启动“保护儿童“项目,儿童节被提到和国庆节相同的位置,并且宣布,严格限制一切不利于少年儿童健康成长的资讯。同时,上海世博会提出“世博会,世博会,捉奸在床一万对”的口号,线上线下同时启动扫黄项目,政府明确表示,一切和黄色有关的东西,都将被屏蔽,黄色代表色情和封建。小学生们都被发动了起来,纷纷走上街头,表示不放过一切黄色的东西。

2010年7月    小学生爱国委员会发现,因为五星红旗上的5个五角星为黄色,不符合时代的进步思想。该提议经过研究,相关部门决定将五个五角星改为红色。

2010年8月    政府发现,将五角星改为红色以后,和国旗原背景色一样,导致分辨困难,经过小学生代表的提议,国旗上五角星被改为绿色,代表着绿领巾和绿霸。

2010年       根据小学生爱护委员会和小学生代表的提议,政府收紧图片审查标准,并提出“激凸等于露点”的战略指导思想。

2010年       所有论坛的版主被收编为公务员。

2010年       政府推出全新网络长城,该长城系统汇聚了无数中国各行各业专家的智慧,他们在一个军事基地中集中工作,他们工作的卫星照片一度被海内外误读为中国在制造航母。

2011年1月   政府新一轮经济刺激计划中拨款1000亿用于网络评论员,网络评论员的薪水由每条五毛涨为每条一元,2011年的目标是有1000亿条正面评论,坚守在评论征地的五毛党们黯然落泪,苦撑多年,被骂无数,终于等来了大部队。从此,在各大互联网评论中,网评员和正常人类的比例达到5比5。

2011年       GOOGLE,YOUTUBE,FACEBOOK,TWITTER等网站宣布重返中国并开放注册。

同时         所有上诉网站在美国宣布并未在中国开展任何业务。

马上         这条消息被全新长城系统屏蔽,在国内无人知晓。

2011年       在上诉网站注册的用户被长城系统追踪,他们的电脑被锁定,综合类网站只能打开人民网,新华网,论坛类网站只能打开强国论坛和铁血论坛,视频类网站只能打开央视一套。经过系统重装,都不能破解锁定。

2011年       电脑涨价一倍,出现卖电脑的黄牛。但用户买回新电脑以后发现还是只能打开上诉规定网站。

2011年       房地产涨价一倍,在房地产交易网上,房源必须标明是上网房和限网房。

2011年       南方都市报,南方周末被改名为男方都市报和男方周末,被重新转型为婚姻介绍类报纸。同时,网评员和正常人类的比例达到9比1。

2011年       某市领导被人肉搜索。

2011年       互联网第二轮整治,所有搜索网站被关闭,各大门户网站和报纸发表“搜索,让我们变成懒人”“网络搜索严重影响小学生的动脑动手能力”等文章,领导们表示,我们从来不用网络搜索,也到了今天的地位,说明网络搜索百害而无一利。

2011年       百度被百事收购,成为饮料官方网站。

2012年       新浪网曝光某村领导收受贿赂500元,该新闻被评为2012中国年度新闻,该新闻点击量达到5000亿,很多人反复点击,经过删除后留言量高达一百万条,很多人认为,这是舆论监督重新开始的一个新起点。但是网络投票中,九成网友认为该新闻不应该发表,因为破坏了社会的稳定,甚至可能导致民族的分裂。

2012年       新浪网被小学生举报搜索到有人激凸。新浪网被停业整治。

2013年       所有论坛停止注册和发帖功能,中国作家协会和中国文联接受互联网,成为互联网内容提供商。互联网从WEB

3.0退回到WEB 0.3,网络模式改为只能浏览资讯,不能发帖。

2013年      小学生健康成长委员会举报新浪网又出现激凸。

2014年      新浪被激浪收购,成为饮料官方网站。

2014年      小学生健康成长委员会举报,有人在QQ上向他们发送露点照片,导致该学生看到以后上街强奸了数十人。

2014年      QQ,MSN等聊天工具被禁止,个人博克和微博被禁止,但是屡屡有不法分子通过各种技术手段上传一些私人的想法和信息。政府非常头疼。

2015年      政府部门将网络全部切断,并统一推出上网专用电脑,只有用该电脑才能上网,没有键盘的接口,只给你一个鼠标。改专项整治活动的口号为“只给你丫一鼠标,看你还能怎么着”。

2016年    中国网民下降到100万,所有网站合并为一个网站,输入任何网址都将链接入该网站。该网址更新内容以当天人民日报为准。同年,中国的互联网产业消失,直接导致近500万互联网相关产业从业人员失业,除了因电子邮件被取消后重新兴起的邮政行业接纳了十万人以外,490万人面临再就业困难。同时,近100万五毛党失业。五毛党感叹道,做牛做马做狗了半辈子,连退休金都没有。

2016年   人民日报发文:牺牲了一个产业,换来了国家的稳定,值。

2016年   新闻联播评论,互联网产业发展下去,国家将面临分裂的危险,国外反华势力和国内分裂势力借助着互联网煽动群众,幸亏有关部门采取强硬手段,避免了事态的扩大。

2016年   周久耕平反。周出狱后任命信息产业部部长。余秋雨被任命为文化部部长。

2016年   100万失业的五毛党因为根本没有其他技能,一直找不到工作,没有生活保障,数万五毛党开始向北京聚集,该年儿童节,十万五毛党在政府门前静坐绝食,要求政府安排工作或者买断工龄,并追加公务员称号。人民日报发文表示,政府从来没有过网络评论员这个职业,所有的网络评论均为五毛当自发评论。五毛党们拿不出任何劳动合同来证明其和政府之间的劳动关系。

五毛党的发言人表示,他们当年是地下工作者,为国家的稳定立下了汗马功劳。

政府表示,限五毛党三日内离京,否则将予以逮捕。人民日报发文表示,赞美政府就不应该向政府施加压力。赞美政府不能作为换取钱财的条件。赞美都应该是无偿的。

2016年    五毛党继续绝食,市民们表示,支持五毛党绝食,绝不向五毛党提供食物,并且监督五毛党绝食,切断一切五毛党可以获得食物的途径。

第二天,文化部部长余秋雨在绝食现场发表“含泪劝五毛书”。五毛党们纷纷表示,讲的太深奥,听不懂啥意思。

2016年    五毛党的罪民包括非法集党,非法游行,非法示威,攻击政府,暴力抗法,诽谤政府,危害公共安全,扰乱社会秩序,随地吐痰等。组织者被逮捕,但政府表示,宽容对待不明真相的盲从者,给他们一个改编自新的机会,给绝食者每人发五毛用于充饥。新闻联播评论这一场景:五毛见五毛,两眼泪汪汪。

2016年    五毛危机平安解决,再现党和政府稳定局面的能力。为首的五毛党面对央视记者的采访,说了三个字,悔当初。

2017年    失业人数剧增,互联网产业的崩溃导致经济严重衰退,政府表示,制造业将再一次作为国家支柱产业,中国应当利用一切自然的资源,以低价的优势向海外出口。

2017年    海外反华势力勾结起来,狼狈为奸,蛊惑联合国以及各国,通过了关于各国家禁止向中国进口任何商品的法案,以反对中国对互联网进行封锁。中国政府强烈的谴责,表示中国的互联网管理是中国的内政,其他国家无权干涉。其他国家表示不向中国进口商品是该国的内政,中国政府无权干涉。

2019年     国庆70周年大阅兵,在阅兵当天,政府表示,闭关锁国,苦练内功,让一切反动势力在我们面前颤抖吧。当天,中国向全世界发出电文,电文内容共八个字:三天不打,上房揭瓦。很多国家表示难以翻译。

2020年     ……

2020年     地球毁灭,玛雅人的后代表示,前后十年内的误差是正常的。

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1 Comment »

  1. Thank you for the translation. That was both terrifying and hysterical.

    Comment by Tea — January 18, 2010 @ 4:46 pm


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